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And the winner is... not me.

First off, I haven't blogged in a year and I'm happy to say that for the 30 days of November, I'll be blogging my journey to "This is 30". Yes! I am turning 30 this year and blogging about life just seemed so fitting.

Three decades and I can truly appreciate the growth that I have achieved. Grateful for all the accomplishments that I have made and even for all the awards I've... been nominated for... lol.

In a last-minute moment a few weeks ago, a former colleague decided to nominate me for the National Youth Awards - Environmental category. Needless to say, this nomination was unexpected, as I am 29 and no longer feel like "a youth", but I was 1000% thrilled to be nominated. As you all may have guessed from my title, I didn't win. Congrats to the winner who also got the coveted Prime Minister's cup.

This will not be a blog about comparisons, I will however share the roller coaster of emotions I felt. When nominated, initially I felt very meh, not a big deal, it's so last minute. Later that week I saw other category nominees posting themselves taking pictures with the award - I had not even been contacted by any officials, even though my face popped up in the video. At this point, to be honest, I knew who the winner was and I was sure that it was not me.

Leading up to the night of the ceremony, I got so many messages saying congratulations on my nomination (a lot being in a group chat with other nominees) I actually felt like,

" OMG am I going to win?!"

I sent congratulations to the other nominees because honestly, it's an honor to even be nominated (as I had been told continuously before and after). Now, before you start judging me thinking I jumped to conclusions assuming that I had won based off a few congratulations, please remember the country that I live in! I thought someone knew something and was prompting me to tune in - I didn't.

When I found out that night that I had lost, I was fine... when I woke up that morning I was hurt and sad.

"Is all the work I've done not good enough? Do I not deserve an award?"

I know we all get here and I am so happy to have a tribe that reminded me,

"This award is not a measure of the quality of work you've done."

Yeah I know, but how great would that award have been haha! I know the winner is so so deserving and I also know that this award does not define my career and all that I've done.

I want to encourage people to always remember why you do what you do, seek satisfaction intrinsically. Do it because you are passionate because it makes you happy and most importantly - because you want to!

After I shed a tear or two while feeling like "I'm not good enough", I was able to gather myself and know that I am amazing and whether I got an award or not, I love what I do - and will continue to do it.

You don't need people rooting for you, awarding you, if you are doing what you are passionate about.

Happiness is found within, not from any outside source

I hope this transparency can encourage someone else who may have not won an award, not gotten that scholarship, not been selected for that job, or even not gotten something you felt you deserved, to just keep doing what you are doing once it

lights your soul on fire!

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